Don’t mess around with JIM!!! (Jimmy Dean bacon, that is)

Why would They do that!!!?????

What were they even thinking?

Do they want to start a riot?

Create distrust among friends? Break up families? Make children and grown adults cry? Cause unethical decisions to be made? In case you weren’t paying attention during math class, prime numbers are those which are only divisible by the number one, and themselves. Eleven is a prime number. This means you can only divide 11 equally 1 way, or 11 ways.

Have you figured out yet where I am going with this?

The conversation started like this:

(husband, handing me a plate) “Honey, your bacon is ready.”

(me) “Mmmmm! Thank you!”? (I was craving it last night)

(hubby) Do you know how many pieces of bacon were in that package? ELEVEN!

(me) “What?! Who? Why? Who does that! I want names! This is NOT OKAY!”

(hubby) “I know! There is no way to split that fairly!”

(me) “Nope, doesn’t work. No matter how many people you have! It’s a prime number! WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT!????” By now, I have been awake exactly 27 seconds and I am deeply disturbed.

News flash! Prime numbers DO NOT WORK for bacon! Not in this universe anyway. Probably not in any universe, anywhere, unless they have a completely different mathematical system, or moral code.

You can dress it up with a cute vintage Corelle plate…

But you can’t hide the fact that there is a difficult decision to be made. Who gets the extra piece? Is it the person who made the bacon? Or the person who bought the bacon? Or the person who was craving it big time the night before and suggested we get a package out of the freezer to thaw?

These are all valid questions, and there is no easy answer. No matter how many other people are in your group, there is no totally fair solution. Oh, sure, you could split the last piece in half, but anyone with children will immediately see the flaw in that logic! Who ever cooked it could sneak the extra piece, and if interrogated, lie about it, creating a lifetime of guilt-ridden angst. Or a heated debate could ensue, in which everyone involved selflessly says “No, I insist! Yoooouuuuu have the extra piece. It’s fine!”

But IS IT? Is it really fine? I can just see it, 10 years later, during another ‘one-up’ debate on who gets their way, (which is a discussion peppered with “I took out the trash last time” vs “Well I cleaned the toilet”, etc.) when the bacon giver-upper trumps all arguments with “Well, there was that one time I let you have the extra piece of bacon….”

Who’s winning that one? Yup. The bacon giver-upper always wins! So, really, in this sick, twisted bacon-debacle, everybody loses!

Who is responsible for this horrible decision to create 11 slices of bacon out of a 12 oz package? And while we’re at it, who thought it was okay to put bacon in 12 oz packages instead of 1 lb. packs, like it was for years??! As if we wouldn’t notice that, or the fact that sugar and flour are now 4 pounds instead of 5, and soon we will not be able to follow our great grandmother’s favorite recipe unless we do math because “No. 2” cans of anything no longer exist. The bacon package even proudly proclaims this:

Serving size: 2 slices.

Servings per container": About 5

I’m sorry, but the word “about” should never be in a statement regarding bacon, unless it is “bacon is about the greatest food ever invented”, or “it’s all about bacon”, or the worst one, “we’re about out of bacon!” What MONSTER decided “about” a serving of bacon was even a thing? That implies that a serving is ‘about’ 2 slices. I know when it comes to bacon, more is always better, and I would seriously question anyone who claims to only eat 2 slices in a sitting. I personally want ALL the bacon! A restaurant doesn’t dare to say on the menu “Side of bacon-about 2 slices”. It’s either 2, or 3, or 1. And if it’s only 1, why even bother.

For the sake of everyone’s sanity, could we please go back to 1 pound packages and easily divisible numbers? Who ever thought it was acceptable to divide 12 oz of bacon into 11 sections was just plain mean and should be punished by being forced to smell bacon but not being allowed to eat any. Stop it! You know who you are, JIMMY DEAN!

I mean, what’s next? Will they start selling eggs in packs of 10 or 11? Thank God they haven’t messed up butter yet, but I’m sure that will be next.

What would you do with the extra slice?